Between jet lag, and transitioning to routine here, I couldn’t prioritize the writing of my daily gratitude posts although the sentiment was very much alive and kicking within me.
Nov. 14 – Thankful that I reached safe and sound, with relatively small hiccups, to my ultimate sanctuary, my home, my family. Those tight hugs, loud kisses, the craving to be together, that feeling of being loved, cared for, and wanted. Deep deep gratitude for my Jing Bang gang.
Nov. 15 – While it is full steam ahead with new challenges, grateful that the first day back to work was just about catching up with hundreds of emails that had come in.
Nov. 16 – Thankful for the intellectual and spiritual high I experienced today. The intellectual high was from judging three rounds of debating tournament. It was my first time, I was a bundle of nerves. I knew I would like the experience but I didn’t quite expect how very intellectually stimulating it would be. Love that parenting gives me learning experiences and opportunities that I would not have had otherwise. The spiritual high was from watching a bharatanatyam recital by none other than Rama Vaidyanathan. It was soul nourishing! A class of her own, and I saw her at such proximity – how very lucky I am!
Nov. 17 – Grateful for :
- Two hours of much needed nap in the afternoon for my jet lagged body that is still very much operating at India time zone leaving me with fragmented sleep and an aching body.
- A quality evening with the family. After all the hugging and rejoicing the day I landed, we had to move on – school, work, cricket practice, birthday party, scouts, debating, Sunday school. It was therapeutic to finally sit down together in the same room and have a shared experience even if it was just watching T.V..
I was nominated for a 10-day dance mom challenge on FaceBook, which entailed posting a picture a day in the life of a dance mom or a significant dancing moment. I chose to do it only for 5 days because I didn’t have the bandwidth to continue, I was getting distracted from my routine, and finally I felt vulnerable sharing too much. Since I don’t have much readership here, I feel relatively more comfortable sharing things that are close to my heart in this space. Along with that picture, I had put in a blurb providing context to the picture. I am repurposing those posts, without pictures, with some expanded content here and there.
- I am lucky that my parents (thank you, thank you and thank you appa and amma) went along with my choice to pursue dance when the popular vote was for music (pursuing multiple interests was not as common in my growing up years). More importantly for just asking – dance practice eppadi porthu? Sometimes it is the simplest of reminders that galvanizes you into action. I am also fortunate to have been married into a family that takes interest and pride in my pursuits. I am thinking of my mil who would accompany me to my dance class with excitement. As the sole member in our family of four that enjoys Bharatanatyam, I do struggle with balancing “me” time with family time. A weekend afternoon spent attending a dance recital is an afternoon away from them. And sometimes that is the only time we have together. Often, I dilly dally not knowing what to choose. Sometimes family wins, at other times dance. What I have learnt is, the only person judging my choice is me. The trick is to not think of the dance recital I missed when I am with the family and not to think of my family when I am at the recital. Shout out to Da for being my rock, my punching bag, and for constantly reminding me that I am learning dance because it makes me happy. Flying kisses to the sonny boys for caring about my pursuits. They will throw a tantrum if I were to take them to an arangetram but they would be heart heartbroken if I were to pass up on an opportunity to perform.
- I have learnt Bharatanatyam, on and off, for the most part of my life. The breaks were sometimes short, and at other times were prolonged. Sometimes due to lack of continuity at the teachers’ end, and sometimes due to life events and circumstances. Board exams, school in one city, undergrad in another city, postgrad in yet another city, work in fourth city, then came marriage, move to a new country, back to school, kid no. 1, kid no.2. One way to look at it is, it has been a slow and shaky learning experience. Another way to look at it is, life has been generous in bestowing me with opportunities and teaching me resilience through dance. A constant in my life. Thank God for that! Thank God for all my teachers who willingly took me under their wings, gave me their time and attention, and in the process kept the spark alive. I am exactly where I need to be, all those breaks were necessary to lead me to where I am today, to ensure that there was continuity in the journey. To all my dance teachers, past and present, gratitude from the depths of my heart. Without you, dance would have only been a longing.
- Janmashtami tradition – may be it is the fact that I have two veshama kara kannans in my house, I love Janamashtami. Our Janmashtami celebration is more about storytelling than about bakshanam. When the boys were little, they would get dressed up as Krishnas, and Balaramas and we would act out Krishna Leela. What better way to tell a story than via Bharatanatyam? All those giggles, broken mazhalai tamizh, and role playing. Deeply grateful to the art form for giving me ways to bond with little humans, my own and the ones that cross my path.
- The day before a performance is humbling. You hold the blessing close to your heart and want to give it your all and beyond. You are also a bundle of nerves. You run through the sequence in your head. Once, twice, thrice, and a few times more. By yourself, and with your gang. Then you obsess over the costume, jewelry, food, and family. Details, details, so many details to think of for the compulsive mind. Then, there comes a point when you simply let go. And you remind yourself to just be and dance your heart out. Being in the moment, soaking in the music, taking in the space and the lights, and trusting that your practice will carry you through. That’s all matters! One of the nicest parts of learning to dance as an adult is all the fabulous women you get to meet over the years. Self-made, independent, accomplished and courageous. When the group clicks, you know you have surrounded yourself with empathetic, compassionate and strong women. Ones who inspire, encourage and support each other. The experience is heightened when you have found your people. My heartfelt gratitude to the girl gang, who have knowingly or unknowingly, have helped me in small and big ways.
- Dance is my Zen. It has taught me the power of practice, perseverance, and having a growth mindset. To do something purely for the love of it, not as a means to an end. Through my practice, I learn more about myself. If you came up to me and asked, are you a dancer? My answer would be, I learn dance. I love Bharatanatyam. Dancer is a label that I hold to high standards and don’t think I am there yet. I am more like the Giraffe who found his music and learnt to dance. I found my reason to dance. So yeah, I learn dance.
To be able to dance at this age and stage of my life is something that I never take for granted. Don’t know what tomorrow holds but I am thankful with every fiber in my being that my life has been touched by the art form all my life.
Hari is interested in working. The intensity varies. Some days, he feels like he is ready for it, and on other days he wonders why hurry now? Some days he thinks he will be a good fit for babysitting. On other days, he wonders why not grocery stores. May be a math teacher assistant? Or a baseball umpire? Or work in the local comic store? Or may be mow someone’s lawn? Last week, he went to the town center, hopping in and out of stores, inquiring about the hiring process. Long waiting list, he was told. As we talked about the possibilities today, one thing led to the other, and we started working on his resume. What he thought would take a few minutes, took a few hours. Grammar, fonts, formatting, references, and what not. He learnt a lesson or two today about how to position himself, how all the things that he does adds to the big picture. I hope he sees that it almost does not matter what you do, just that you do something and keep building on your skills set.
This past weekend, Hari hit a milestone. He earned his first pay. He was the Square One Leg umpire for an adult’s cricket match. This is the feedback he received.
“… We also saw a very young Hari (MSCL U14 Captain) as a SQLeg umpire. He was professional for his age. Calm, composed and did a good job umpiring for 2 innings in scorching sun.”
He was a little nervous the earlier night. “What if the adults are upset with my decisions?” I will confess, I was a bit nervous too. Seemed like a disproportionate responsibility for his age. But he put himself out there and made it. He said the teams were very friendly and that the main umpire was very helpful. “It was a lot of work though amma. I had to be very attentive throughout the game.” Looks like he has learnt his first lesson. To earn, you have to work.
My gratitude to the enablers (coaches, mentors, and organizers), for the opportunities (playing, captaining and umpiring) , and for a child who is willing to explore and put in the work. Go Hari, mighty proud of you.
In the context of weight loss, I have lost, gained, lost again, gained again… you see the pattern right. Basically, I have not been able to sustain my efforts or maintain my weight. I was not following any fad diets, I lost weight the healthy way. But needless to say, they were not sustainable. Sadly, for the past two years, I simply have not been able to do what it takes. May be as I age, the reserve of determination is getting depleted. May be the body metabolism changes with every weight loss, and my body is demanding more than what I can provide. Today, I heard the Life Kit podcast and had some big takeaways.
- Our body has a natural tendency to fight weight loss, which is why it is hard to maintain weight loss.
- I knew what we eat matters more than how much we exercise for weight loss but what I didn’t realize was exercise helps with maintaining the weight you have lost. So for weight loss, eat right. For weight maintenance, exercise right.
- Given that, there is no point in aiming for weight loss. Instead, take the high road, focus on making behavioral changes, lifestyle changes, changes that you enjoy because the chances are if you don’t believe in or enjoy what you are doing, you are not going to be able to embrace it in the long term.
The grand conclusion is weight loss should afterall not be the goal. Accept your body for what it is, do what works in the long term; you may not end up being slim and trim but you will be healthy and happy. Something to ponder about.
Overcome with emotions, I have choked up more than a couple of times in the past couple of months due to work related changes. First my boss was let go, the team I was part of disintegrated. Then I found a home, a sweet and cosy one, where I was welcome with open arms, and found myself surrounded in an atmosphere of trust, growth, and development. Just as I saw the pieces of the puzzle fitting together, my new team got split last week. I am in a new team with a new mission under a new boss.
Change is the only constant. It is inevitable, hard, and disruptive. I remind myself that it is also an opportunity to explore how I can rise up to the challenge, and solve new problems. The first time I had a big change at work several years back, I remember my former boss telling me, “Sometimes what seems like the worst thing in the moment, may turnout to be the best turning point in your life,” that’s something that has stayed with me. It was true, with that change I went on to learn new things, meet some inspiring leaders and team members, who have shaped my work ethics and enhanced the breadth and depth of my knowledge base. I have been fortunate to have been under managers who have championed for me, nurtured me, and have had my back. No wonder, I choked and grieved. The changes felt like a loss. Loss of a leader, mentor and friends.
I am not the kind that proactively seeks out change. I get cosy and comfortable in the status quo. So all these ups and downs at work, is life’s way of making me exercise my resilience muscle. I am reminded of the saying, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but today I close my eyes, and hold all the folks at work who have moulded, supported, and inspired me, and offer my sincerest gratitude for their trust and confidence in me. I wish them well in their endeavors.
With a throbbing headache and incessant coughing, the child woke up feeling miserable. “Amma, take my temperature. I know I have a fever.” I placed my hand on his forehead and then his neck, and knew that he did not have a temperature. “You are feeling feverish kanna, but you don’t have a fever,” I tried to convince Ram.
We did the usual things that we do when we have a coughing child at home – two pillows stacked on top of each other, the third one resting on the two so the child can sleep in elevated position, and a mug and a bottle of water next to his bed for possible throwing up scenario. “Amma, can you sleep next to me?” the child asked. Of course, anything to make you feel better, I responded and settled down on his twin bed.
The child while still coughing, relaxed a bit. His head resting on my chest, as I wrapped my hand against his body. My belly rising and falling, his hand rising and falling with it. His breathing in synch with mine, we slipped into a rhythm, and the child drifted off to sleep. This is what primal feels like.